Rodent Regatta

AIMS test questions you’ll never see
By Craig J. Cantoni

(For Internet publication)

The results from the 2003 Arizona’s Instrument to Measure Standards test were published on September, 3, 2003, showing that 79 percent of eighth-graders failed the math portion of the test, 45 percent failed the reading portion and 54 percent failed the writing portion.

The AIMS test did not include the following questions but should have.

Question: You have 100 Asians, 100 Hispanics, 100 Blacks, 100 Anglos and 100 Italians. They all have equal family income and attend schools with equal per-pupil spending. Who will get the best test scores?

Answer: The 100 Asians.

Question: Why do Asians get the best test scores?

a) Genetic superiority
b) Kung Pao chicken
c) Race-normed tests
d) Studying encouraged by two married parents

Answer: d) Studying encouraged by two married parents

Question: In his book, ”The Ten Things You Can’t Say in America,” African-American Larry Elder writes about going to a Los Angeles library in a poor neighborhood and finding Hispanic kids outside the library hanging out. What did he find inside the library?

a) Books
b) The homeless
c) Governor Gray Davis looking at help-wanted ads
d) Asian children studying

Answer: d) Asian children studying

Question: In the early 20th century, Italian immigrants faced discrimination and were known as wops, dagos and greaseballs; yet they quickly assimilated and climbed the socioeconomic ladder. What was different back then?

a) Diversity, affirmative action and preferences hadn’t been invented.

b) There was no Head Start, bilingual education, Great Society, School Lunch Program, Social Security, New Deal, Medicare, Medicaid, KidsCare, free preschool, free tutors, U.S. Department of Education, National Education Association, or bike helmets.

c) Class sizes were large, per-pupil spending was low, teacher salaries were low, taxes were very low, and kids who misbehaved got whacked with a ruler by the teacher and then again by their married parents when they got home.

d) All of the above.

Answer: d) All of the above.

Question: If parents refuse to take full advantage of a free education for their children and see that they study and behave, what should public schools do?

a) Give the students free private tutors and preschool.
b) Dumb down the curriculum and ask for more money.
c) Blame the problem on racism and poverty.
d) Let them graduate and get into college through preferences.
e) None of the above.
f) All of the above

Answer: If you have common sense, the answer is e) None of the above. If you’re a liberal Democrat and beholden to teacher unions, the answer is f) All of the above.

Question: What do Cuba and American public education have in common?

a) They both believe in a free lunch.
b) They both depend on coercion and collectivism.
c) English is a second language in both.
d) The poor children of both can’t escape.
e) All of the above.

Answer: e) All of the above.

Final Question: Why aren’t newspapers truthful about the real causes of low test scores?

a) Because it’s easier to copy press releases from the teacher union and the education establishment than research the facts.

b) Because most reporters are liberal Democrats and have a kinship with unionized teachers.

c) Because the truth is the first casualty of political correctness.

d) Because journalism professors are just as leftist as education professors.

e) All of the above.

Answer: e) All of the above.

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  Mr. Cantoni is an author, columnist and the grandson of poor Italian immigrants who whacked their kids. You can whack him, figuratively speaking, at ccan2@aol.com.