Rodent Regatta

An amazing political quiz

by Craig J. Cantoni

(For Internet publication)

The following quiz is amazing! In nine simple questions, it can determine someone’s political affiliation without fail. To see how it works, answer the following nine questions and then read the scoring key at the end.

1. John is in financial debt from his spendthrift ways, so he burglarizes his wealthy neighbor’s house. Is John’s action moral or immoral?

2. John is in financial debt from his spendthrift ways, so he votes for politicians who will take his wealthy neighbor’s money through progressive taxes and give it to him. Is John’s action moral or immoral?

3. Mary needs medicine but spent her retirement check at the casino. She steals the bike of the kid next door and sells it to buy medicine. Is Mary’s action moral or immoral?

4. Mary needs medicine but spent her retirement check at the casino. She votes for politicians who will buy her medicine and send the bill to future generations. Is Mary’s action moral or immoral?

5. Joe’s neighbor Mike is in dire straits through no fault of his own. Instead of helping Mike himself or donating money to a charity that can help Mike, Joe robs a stranger and gives Mike the money. Is Joe’s action moral or immoral?

6. Joe’s neighbor Mike is in dire straits through no fault of his own. Instead of helping Mike himself or giving money to a charity that will help Mike, Joe votes for politicians who will take money from strangers and give it to Mike. Is Joe’s action moral or immoral?

7. Sue, an unwed mother of four kids, dropped out of school and can only find minimum wage jobs. Resenting the nice house and cars that her boss has, she takes money from the cash register to help pay her bills instead of asking the local charity for help. Is Sue’s action moral or immoral?

8. Sue, an unwed mother of four kids, dropped out of school and can only find minimum wage jobs. Resenting the nice house and cars that her boss has, she votes for politicians who will take money from him through progressive taxes and give it to her in the form of housing subsidies, utility allowances, free health care and school lunches. Is Sue’s action moral or immoral?

9. Ted is a politician who gives other people’s money to John, Mary, Mike and Sue. Is Ted’s action moral or immoral?

* * *

Scoring key: If you answered that all nine actions are immoral, you share the same classical liberal beliefs as the nation’s Founders. If you said that only the actions in questions 1, 3, 5 and 7 are immoral, you are what George Bush calls a ”compassionate conservative.” And if you said that none of the actions are immoral, you are a contemporary liberal.

Mr. Cantoni is an author, columnist and founder of Honest Americans Against Legal Theft (HAALT). He can be reached at ccan2@aol.com.