Rodent Regatta

The most arrogant thought I’ve ever had is this, ”I don’t think anyone will ever match the lengths I’ve gone to by doing something generous, special, kind or loving for me.” Wow. How ugly does that sound?

A thought like this overwhelms me in moments of despair; times when hope appears to be gone. It’s a horrible thing to think or say, but it captures the thoughts I have about times when I’ve attempted to do something for someone else, and have seen them not only ignore the effort, but demean it. I also have trouble seeing that anyone would go above and beyond for me the way I have attempted to for others. Whether it’s surprises out of the clear blue, or things that are lavish in their sheer scale, I wish I could experience first hand what I know I’ve done for or given to others. What a terribly selfish, self-centered and dark thing to say!

I long for a time in my life when I can put such thoughts behind me for good.

Understand that this isn’t about giving something in order to get something in return. That’s not it at all. Instead, it’s about having any other person seeing me in need and reaching out as I have to others. Maybe it’s a cry for attention; maybe it’s a plea for sympathy. Actually, it’s probably just pathetic.

When I think of being born in the greatest country in the world against enormous odds that I could have been born in poverty in Bangladesh, I have to see myself as blessed. Yet, when the immediate desires, needs, wishes and dreams cannot be achieved, I sink.

My prayer tonight is for God’s hand on my life and His guidance of the tiniest details of my existence. I pray that He’ll lift thoughts such as these from me and replace them with the thoughts of His Kingdom and the purpose I should pursue as one of His followers.